By: Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Author of: How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
I am often asked what my ‘red flags’ are as a therapist when I am counseling a couple and I sense he might be dangerous. There certainly ARE specific things that I have trained my ear to listen for because they are often indicators of more serious problems often attached to dangerous behavior.
These include:
* Pacing of the relationship. If its 24/7 it’s not that he’s “just that into you.” Pathological men have agendas about getting the relationship to appear ‘intense’ and ‘deep’ quickly. They want to usher you into the middle of the relationship before you figure out his agenda or respond to your own red flags. Predators have told me in group that their move is to ‘sweep them off their feet’ by overwhelming them with intensity of emotion, time, and gifts. Women who get into intense relationships in which quickly they are seeing each other constantly, not having an outside life, and have the sensation of being ‘breathless’ from the pace of the relationship are often with a dangerous man. Many different types of dangerous men often try to move in quickly or marry quickly. Both of which should be a red flag to a woman. Women should always be in charge of the pace of the relationship which should be SLOW. Women should also change the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. Normal men accept that you ask for more time to yourself, dangerous men do not. They guilt and shame you into keeping the pace at THEIR rate, not yours.
* Serial Relationships. Women often ignore a man’s history of failed relationships. Guys with histories of multiple failed relationships have difficulty being alone so they rapidly seek other relationships without reflection on the failed one. This lack of insight in the failed relationship increases his pacing so that women are hurried into a relationship before figuring ‘why’ he has so many failed relationships. One clue I always listen for is his relational history—how many relationships, why they ended, what he has to say about his own responsibility in them ending, and what he says about the woman now. Men who take no responsibility for their actions often have mental health issues as do men who never say anything good about any of the women they have been with.
How to detect a dangerous man!
It is imperative for you and your families safety to identify and properly eliminate people who are capable of lying and cheating.
